so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
