The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
