you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
