I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
