My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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