Do you still have your period?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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