I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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