I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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