so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize