It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
