Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
