There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
