My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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