Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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