i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
