I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
