i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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