I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
