So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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