We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
