I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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