Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
