Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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