I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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