my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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