Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize