Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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