i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
