Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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