I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
