Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
