Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
