he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
