i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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