listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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