Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
