so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
