My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
