Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
