If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
