Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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