you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
