and she was petting her beer can
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
