I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
