a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
