I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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