i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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