they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
