So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
