if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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