3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
