I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize