Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
