so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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