things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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