Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
