i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
